happy :)

I’m so sorry that I’d been so complicated. But,

You did overwhelm me with acts of love I find it difficult to contain

I really can’t justify my inclusion in that part of the world where such accommodation exists

And would rather recite all reasons over and over,

Just to pluck myself out from wherever you want me to be

But I’m getting used to having you so different.

Thanks for the confidence.

It meant more than you know.

There are so much more than you know.

I wish to tell you one day.

brokeback mountain

Its been so long since I last fell in love.
I almost have forgotten how it feels like.
‘its nv enough’ brought it all back.
It has once brought me through the baptism of extreme pain in hell before a sneak peek into heaven and yet worth that almost eternal suffering. The high strung emotions firing every expressions of love and hate. I’d ever wished I could quit. I’d ever blamed someone for throwing me off my tracks. I’d ever hit and regret. I’d ever planned on forgetting abt the rest of the world.
I wan to go back there. Only when im there, I would be able to feel my heart beating and me living.

prev posts

Guess my previous posts would have made many uncomfortable. hee...fret not, cos im not in that bad a shape.

Currently, Im rather well protected by an invisible hand. I cant really see it but i know its there. I need help in improving my vision. I need to see things tat is real and not what i have imagined. I wanna help those I love, love me.

unrelated

An unrelated post to an unwanted soul:

There's a guide in life itself

It doesnt really matter whether you are there or not

e underlying

i dun seem to like a simple life very much.
i get so exhausted just searching for the ignition to jumpstart my day
i think tat my desire for volatility is indeed diabolical.
its destroying every opportunity i hav to build a long enuff rls w anyone and anything.
i dun seem to be able to relate
i feel so distant
no one seems to be able to touch me
no one seems to be interested
i feel so alone.

Im begining to feel tat no one would ever know tat i'd ever breathed

my gentle memphis

i saw myself in him yest. He was behaving in a way i wished i could have and would still be loved in return.

random behaviours.

sometimes i feel like a discipline master amongst a school of rebellious kids.
behaviours nowadays are just so out of wack, they instantly reminded me of e very random movements i saw on e tray of bacteria culture i'd created eons ago.
i realised its difficult for me to swallow disappointments or non-honouring of promises like they dun matter.
Not that it meant anything as yet. I just love to blow things out of proportion and imagine how i would react. In this unstable world of extremists, came wif it a gift from rocket scientists --- stress tests. I stress test, and beyond, all relations that would potentially mean anything to me to guage whether i have enough stakes to see me through if the ship i hopped onto hit an iceberg. Cos its really difficult to be on the same lifeboat wif another like pole. I need my very own float at least.

a happy note

i feel so happy, i feel its symbolic. i wanna write down every detail to aid my fleeting memory, but it has been so beyond description. i feel i didnt work hard for it, i feel so guilty. i wanna do something to actually deserve such a'natural high, but it has been so unconditional. it has fallen too nicely, its almost surreal. i have been trying to define it, to re-enact the exact erratic motion but everything was just too random. Guess,happiness swept me off my feet cos it came neatly on a silver platter, i feel its for only a king.

breakthrough

It was a day of a lot of calls, a lot of calls made for me to practice pitching. 'Play ball baby', jW always says. I guess the game has started and time for them to get stressed abt me squeezing more frm them. haha...

the rooster yr ended w me starting to roll. Mindless trades aside, a breakthrough is coming. I merely saw a glimpse and it already was more than rewarding. I found the angle from which i can approach the knot that has restricted me frm reaching higher. I cant wait to work out my new game plan and see what happens.

I found a comfortable spot. A big-hearted spot. A bright spot. Its too early to reach the level of resistance. But it did. Like SMM, its gonna be propelled to the next level. Undemanding valuations mixed with interests always work the magic.

Addicted to Greeks

When greeks meet the mkt, i found a combination so sexy, its hard to refuse.
Delta, Gamma, Theta, Vega, Rho rolled into hedges so mystical, its hard to stay un-inspired.
Being captivated by readings that tease ur brain beats having tat potential windfall on monday.
Some things are just not within the reach of the currency the world uses.

Strong week in 06

Reiterate a strong performing 06

Trading ended on friday w 2 sets of gdnews:

1) Ascott spinning ART*selling only 12 buildings and realised half its mkt cap* +0.34 for shareholders. IBs are really spin docs.
2) DMX placement to venture.

Not forgetting:
1) 100 Cland warrants
2) 10 SMM
3) 10 JT
4) 40 CSun

The mkt has been less than brutal, even with Japan's unprecedented massacre by Livedoor.
Csun & Cland did make my stomach flip several times. But all is well now... no, better than good.
The vols in the mkt makes my heart beat without knowing and its sat now. Good week.

Dogs of Babel

If Dogs can talk...
Often i wonder whether mikko and memphis think of me when im not ard.
And my wonders would certainly end with a YES!DUH!

If they can talk, they would say yes. But i prob would not believe half as much as to their muted voices in my heart. More often than not, its more effective to use my heart than my ears.

I must learn to use my heart right now to feel the ple ard me.

Saturday – Tuesday

I have been sick for four days, over the weekend and public holiday. Yap, I stood my fav days up. The fever, came courtesy of my bad throat, felt more like a long overdue rest forced upon me. I didn’t call for help at all and chose to plan my own route to recovery. Nice days…. Quiet and free… The only regret was not being in the mkt that was giving out new year ang baos earlier than expected.

Wednesday - Thursday

Went to work

I have been so good to meself . J

I took a break from drinks and smokes.

Check what I eat and make sure I get plenty of sleep.

I spent a considerable amt of time alone after work and really enjoyed it.

Friday

It was back to partying again.

06 has been kind so far. The celebrations have not been in vain. Everything seems to fall in place to pave the way for easier days. I cant wait for each moment to come.

A happy post

Mkt +40pts in 2 days, offers were lifted and so was my spirit. :) :) :)

However, it was hard working without my spirit after so many days of partying. All the clubbing had displaced me to a different time zone and left me flipping on my bed like a dying fish for freaking 4hrs!... still, i love my job toooo much to choose rest. Eh, isnt it like how i used to love my melody... :) :) :) ...cant stop smiling today.

I had a pleasant surprise from Boss today.
I guess my education pays me well.
I guess working hard pays me real well.
Most imptly, I guess serving right pays me really really really well.
Im so satisfied.

Investment

Someone says i think too much. I dun, though i always look as if i am. Most of the time, i am just stoning. Gamblers do not really think. We go by gut feel. N this is where the problem lie. We trade and ride along but would cut in an almost machine like manner that is difficult for many to stomach.

I'm not an investor at all. Most investors go in strong of inventories and statistics of earnings and all sorts of mathematical data, as though that meant facts and certainties. I can nv understand why is the human factor minimised when the mkt is all so human.

I guess someone was refering to me in relationships. Oh yah, rls. i wish im half as gutsy, one quarter as machine like and totally not count my odds.

To 06

Friday night at Loof was a blast. The ambience . the ple , the drinks, unrolled the red carpet for us to walk into 06 with glee... We went off, high on laughter. N the partying continued thereafter...

I couldnt drink enough to welcome the new year. It's plain, .. TO 06!!! For the record, the past year was shit.

To 06:
I promise to find myself back. I lost you for too long. I will love ur frens back, i will play with ur dogs back, i will read you back, i will run u back, i will earn u back.

Last Day of Trading

Shall end the last trading day on a cheesy yet heartfelt tune: ~~~

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

Aaaahhhhh....I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detestI will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like thisI’ll get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

christmas

Recently, i have been feeling so empty inside.
My life has became so stagnant.
I no longer can get high and happy on drinks.
Cigarettes have also failed to fill the vacuum.
Once again, i dunno what im writing.
I dun even know y i am depressed.

Im as lethargic as the mkt.
The mkt that has the few participants who are not worth mentioning.
Where is everyone?

Why would Christmas without fail, sucks air out of me and leaves me gasping for someone. Gets more harsh each year. For the love of God, i know why now. A lover is calling me and i chose to be alone. Brave huh. So i know,

Im have been real terrible deal negotiator at my own lifetable. Time to be the banker for once and steer the game to be one that i have lived and laughed and loved well.

back to basics

I received a temp replacement phone recently. It was indeed retro w its iconic single lined graphic against blue lights. I'd kinda enjoyed the simplicity of havg such phone. No doubt there were inconveniences, but it was easy to get ard. Missing it already.

It was prob e preview of a life tat's basic enough. Im too ahead of my time and surely missing out.

last drop of fluid

I have been trying to write something meaningful. At least something that can represent the loads of tots in my head.

I have been thinking so hard, my head hurts. My ability to dissect lumps into recognizable bits seems to have abandoned me.

Now, im entangled in my own tots, unable to break free. I just kept twirling, thinking that the ends would be nearer my hand. I tried so hard, just to find my own train of tots getting tighter and choking me breathless. The lack of air made me hallucinate a hell lot. Im finding it increasingly difficult to differentiate between what is real and not.

My neurons have just propelled me to pure imagination and left me there.

Someone save me please.