my gentle memphis

i saw myself in him yest. He was behaving in a way i wished i could have and would still be loved in return.

random behaviours.

sometimes i feel like a discipline master amongst a school of rebellious kids.
behaviours nowadays are just so out of wack, they instantly reminded me of e very random movements i saw on e tray of bacteria culture i'd created eons ago.
i realised its difficult for me to swallow disappointments or non-honouring of promises like they dun matter.
Not that it meant anything as yet. I just love to blow things out of proportion and imagine how i would react. In this unstable world of extremists, came wif it a gift from rocket scientists --- stress tests. I stress test, and beyond, all relations that would potentially mean anything to me to guage whether i have enough stakes to see me through if the ship i hopped onto hit an iceberg. Cos its really difficult to be on the same lifeboat wif another like pole. I need my very own float at least.

a happy note

i feel so happy, i feel its symbolic. i wanna write down every detail to aid my fleeting memory, but it has been so beyond description. i feel i didnt work hard for it, i feel so guilty. i wanna do something to actually deserve such a'natural high, but it has been so unconditional. it has fallen too nicely, its almost surreal. i have been trying to define it, to re-enact the exact erratic motion but everything was just too random. Guess,happiness swept me off my feet cos it came neatly on a silver platter, i feel its for only a king.

breakthrough

It was a day of a lot of calls, a lot of calls made for me to practice pitching. 'Play ball baby', jW always says. I guess the game has started and time for them to get stressed abt me squeezing more frm them. haha...

the rooster yr ended w me starting to roll. Mindless trades aside, a breakthrough is coming. I merely saw a glimpse and it already was more than rewarding. I found the angle from which i can approach the knot that has restricted me frm reaching higher. I cant wait to work out my new game plan and see what happens.

I found a comfortable spot. A big-hearted spot. A bright spot. Its too early to reach the level of resistance. But it did. Like SMM, its gonna be propelled to the next level. Undemanding valuations mixed with interests always work the magic.

Addicted to Greeks

When greeks meet the mkt, i found a combination so sexy, its hard to refuse.
Delta, Gamma, Theta, Vega, Rho rolled into hedges so mystical, its hard to stay un-inspired.
Being captivated by readings that tease ur brain beats having tat potential windfall on monday.
Some things are just not within the reach of the currency the world uses.

Strong week in 06

Reiterate a strong performing 06

Trading ended on friday w 2 sets of gdnews:

1) Ascott spinning ART*selling only 12 buildings and realised half its mkt cap* +0.34 for shareholders. IBs are really spin docs.
2) DMX placement to venture.

Not forgetting:
1) 100 Cland warrants
2) 10 SMM
3) 10 JT
4) 40 CSun

The mkt has been less than brutal, even with Japan's unprecedented massacre by Livedoor.
Csun & Cland did make my stomach flip several times. But all is well now... no, better than good.
The vols in the mkt makes my heart beat without knowing and its sat now. Good week.

Dogs of Babel

If Dogs can talk...
Often i wonder whether mikko and memphis think of me when im not ard.
And my wonders would certainly end with a YES!DUH!

If they can talk, they would say yes. But i prob would not believe half as much as to their muted voices in my heart. More often than not, its more effective to use my heart than my ears.

I must learn to use my heart right now to feel the ple ard me.

Saturday – Tuesday

I have been sick for four days, over the weekend and public holiday. Yap, I stood my fav days up. The fever, came courtesy of my bad throat, felt more like a long overdue rest forced upon me. I didn’t call for help at all and chose to plan my own route to recovery. Nice days…. Quiet and free… The only regret was not being in the mkt that was giving out new year ang baos earlier than expected.

Wednesday - Thursday

Went to work

I have been so good to meself . J

I took a break from drinks and smokes.

Check what I eat and make sure I get plenty of sleep.

I spent a considerable amt of time alone after work and really enjoyed it.

Friday

It was back to partying again.

06 has been kind so far. The celebrations have not been in vain. Everything seems to fall in place to pave the way for easier days. I cant wait for each moment to come.

A happy post

Mkt +40pts in 2 days, offers were lifted and so was my spirit. :) :) :)

However, it was hard working without my spirit after so many days of partying. All the clubbing had displaced me to a different time zone and left me flipping on my bed like a dying fish for freaking 4hrs!... still, i love my job toooo much to choose rest. Eh, isnt it like how i used to love my melody... :) :) :) ...cant stop smiling today.

I had a pleasant surprise from Boss today.
I guess my education pays me well.
I guess working hard pays me real well.
Most imptly, I guess serving right pays me really really really well.
Im so satisfied.

Investment

Someone says i think too much. I dun, though i always look as if i am. Most of the time, i am just stoning. Gamblers do not really think. We go by gut feel. N this is where the problem lie. We trade and ride along but would cut in an almost machine like manner that is difficult for many to stomach.

I'm not an investor at all. Most investors go in strong of inventories and statistics of earnings and all sorts of mathematical data, as though that meant facts and certainties. I can nv understand why is the human factor minimised when the mkt is all so human.

I guess someone was refering to me in relationships. Oh yah, rls. i wish im half as gutsy, one quarter as machine like and totally not count my odds.

To 06

Friday night at Loof was a blast. The ambience . the ple , the drinks, unrolled the red carpet for us to walk into 06 with glee... We went off, high on laughter. N the partying continued thereafter...

I couldnt drink enough to welcome the new year. It's plain, .. TO 06!!! For the record, the past year was shit.

To 06:
I promise to find myself back. I lost you for too long. I will love ur frens back, i will play with ur dogs back, i will read you back, i will run u back, i will earn u back.

Last Day of Trading

Shall end the last trading day on a cheesy yet heartfelt tune: ~~~

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

Aaaahhhhh....I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detestI will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like thisI’ll get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

christmas

Recently, i have been feeling so empty inside.
My life has became so stagnant.
I no longer can get high and happy on drinks.
Cigarettes have also failed to fill the vacuum.
Once again, i dunno what im writing.
I dun even know y i am depressed.

Im as lethargic as the mkt.
The mkt that has the few participants who are not worth mentioning.
Where is everyone?

Why would Christmas without fail, sucks air out of me and leaves me gasping for someone. Gets more harsh each year. For the love of God, i know why now. A lover is calling me and i chose to be alone. Brave huh. So i know,

Im have been real terrible deal negotiator at my own lifetable. Time to be the banker for once and steer the game to be one that i have lived and laughed and loved well.

back to basics

I received a temp replacement phone recently. It was indeed retro w its iconic single lined graphic against blue lights. I'd kinda enjoyed the simplicity of havg such phone. No doubt there were inconveniences, but it was easy to get ard. Missing it already.

It was prob e preview of a life tat's basic enough. Im too ahead of my time and surely missing out.

last drop of fluid

I have been trying to write something meaningful. At least something that can represent the loads of tots in my head.

I have been thinking so hard, my head hurts. My ability to dissect lumps into recognizable bits seems to have abandoned me.

Now, im entangled in my own tots, unable to break free. I just kept twirling, thinking that the ends would be nearer my hand. I tried so hard, just to find my own train of tots getting tighter and choking me breathless. The lack of air made me hallucinate a hell lot. Im finding it increasingly difficult to differentiate between what is real and not.

My neurons have just propelled me to pure imagination and left me there.

Someone save me please.

passed the week drunk.

How i dread 2005. 13 more days.

Dory

someone commented that i'm like dory. i couldnt understand it at first although nemo's fren did cross my mind. For the first time, im forgetful. I guess i'd tried too hard in wanting to forget abt the doldrums im in and i'd conveniently pulled the plug on my memory.

I like it this way. It sux to have an elephant memory. Pain stays longer than usual and happiness lingers as long to cloud the very lessons learnt. In the end, you are reduced to a helplessly hopeful pooch chasing your own tail and biting yourself.

I like this fren, i see the familiar fear in her. Im glad it can no longer hold me at gunpt.I wish she can walk away soon enough as well and look headon, the bruises with pride. I see her potential in being really happy one day and i wish that we together can feel that life is good finally.

a week of rest

It started with a mandatory leave and ended with much needed goodbyes.
I hate not building something as i get wash away by time. The last few days have been concrete and definitive in what we all consider as 'time flies'. It came, knocked me over and over and over , finally flew past me. Later did i know, it would not let me go. It dragged me along with a large part of me wanting to rest. I helplessly abraded against the cold hard uneven realities, with my eyes looking at nuthing but the depression created.

My thoughts are so random now and I wish that by typing them out in a box like this, it would settle and i would be able to piece them together in an orderly fashion so that i can understand what im thinking right now.

Goodbye to all fatigue and irregularities that have been clouding my supposedly clear mind.

clouds

My bars have been raised by an extreme force that is hard to come by.
And now, many would just walk under it with me losing sight of everything but the skies.
Its time to take a rest and i started to look at the clouds moving.
The more u look at the clouds, the faster they seem to be moving.
There was this particular one that i was unable to catch up with.
Before i know it, it had joined the other clouds.

I realise that my ability to focus has diminished to a level i have nv been before.
I cant seem to know what im thinking

December blues

Met an ex shool mate yesterday.

Time is strength in itself. It accumulates trust between you and the friendships found eons ago without you even knowing it. I always think that trust is a vulgarity in itself. It gifs u total freedom when u use it, but leaves u with an unbearable aftertaste when its lost. i find it very difficult to trust anyone. But to ple whom you know since they were wearing braces and tiny tees, trust comes so easy. Even when you hang out wif them less than 5 times a year.

I realised that it was easy to build trust then, when the plate we held out wasn't broken yet.